He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
