wakey wakey hands off snakey
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
