just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
