i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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