He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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