??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
