Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
