I am spending my child support on dildos
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
