I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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