They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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