I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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