i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
