I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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