my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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