dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
