dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
