I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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