I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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