Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
