I want to have your abortion
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
