i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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