OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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