So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
