this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Four minutes until I can fart!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
