I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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