Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
