imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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