She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
