He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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