It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
