my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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