im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
