Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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