one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
