smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
