dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
