I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
