I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
