I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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