i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
