I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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