Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i've created a new STD.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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