I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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