Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
