I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
