i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
