And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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