I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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