A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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