Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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