and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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