in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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