i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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