I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
